my word vomit

jerusaelum is just a city where blood was spilt...

2006-08-17T15:12:42Z

aaahh...like a breath of phlegm-filled air. my throat is burning, my head is yurning, and my stomach is churning. why the fuck do i have to get sick when i have so much to do?

why the fuck do i have to be so passive? i need what i deserve and i should get what i need.

thats sounds fuckin entitled. damn, i think i have really low self-esteeem, but i hide it and i dont admit it because im simultaneously very full of myself.

i need to leave this place, even for just a few days, try and get to the beach. try and focus on myself, do nothing, and appreciate just that.

i forget that i feel very alone. that most of my time is surrounded by people, but that im stuck only knowing myself, and only able to trust myself.

i want to breathe.

i want to feel fulfilled and i need to stop lying.

passion, one said, that is what fills this place. its dedication and persistency. its being cautious but over-extending yourself. its pushing everything in every direction.

consider passion, lauren. thats you. passionate. and fuck, if it means ill be called an anti-semitic, pretentious art-fag, self-righteous slut. thats you.

fuck israel. the apocolypse is coming, right, and everyone is going to have wake-up to the reality that jesus isnt coming back and jews really arent the chosen people, and jerusaelum is just a city where blood was spilt...
g-d doesnt love anyone more than hirself, and the only thing you learn in college is: "i am better than you!"

much love
~L

Ceci n'est pas une pipe

2006-07-12T04:31:12Z

and my entry to a long void of guilt-driven prose has finally arrived...and now i feel it manifesting, falling into the title of pretentious.
lately i feel like a snob, like a creature of high altitude and noble cause. and i hate every ounce of it.
i help teach this class...and really, when the professor goes home at 3 everyday, i field the questions, evertything and anythign. mostly its the small, tedious ones...the little how to's and what about's. i love it, i do. but now i feel this pressure like im supposed to be the keeper of all this information. everyone's golden ticket to succcessful work...and i think i let it get to my head sometimes. i think i forget that im just like everyone else. and omigod i dont have time to finish that article for the record. goddamn antioch feels ilke a joke. i cant waste anymore time.
i cant pretend im not living. i cant wait for things to happen. i need to live the happenings.
everyone's moving out...d and b are leaving. i thinnk im going back to campus living... ugh. although i may tire of the back and forth rumbling of skateboards above my head at 4 in the morning, having to live in shared filth, and pretending the world ceases to exist beyond my dorm- ill be able to let go of the "stability" ive been so used to here-in my off campus housing. this "stability" is something ive been getting too comfortable with. forgetting about the frenzy and the hysteria that comes from being uprooted, torn, and removed from any sense of place- any meaning of home. i dont know home. i cant feel home. right now is just a decent substitute. i cant wait to get the fuck out of school. start experiencing different homes...they say its not a pipe...then is it what i make of it?

likes to fight, wants to love

2006-06-12T04:35:34Z

im listening to the fruit...or what, in the 6th grade, we called the fruit: ode to my family, the cranberries...
in many ways i owe my family so much. and in so many ways i still can't return those favors, those endeavors...raising me and my little sister, those long long nights when i wet the bed, those nightmare trips to hospitals with needles that scared me to death- to write on the walls wrapped in a curtain...
my mom is amazing.
but i fight her more than anyone i know.

maybe i just like to fight.

but i think i just want to love.

i think i just need to be loved.

mariel is coming...in about 20 mins. she will live here, here in yellow springs, here down the road at the outdoor education center, here in ohio. im excited. im nervous. im anxious. and i have "thank--the-lord-this-road-trip-is-over-yogurt-covered-pretzels" to giver her and a "babies suck" logo. i love that girl. im just worried ill stop.

nite

my trip to northampton and the girls at smith college

2006-05-29T05:09:23Z

long long ways from here, speeding down roads where no one can hear me belting til my throat goes dry. i find im an escapist on those hills, in those tiny dug up towns dotted with fogged bars with trucks lined up outfront. i use bright lights blinding others, and sloppy, i knock the cherry from my cigarrette into the clean rented upholstery. dollar and speed signs pass my periphery and even those sirens can't remind me of where i am.
sleeping in someone else's bedsheets washed in liquid detergent, on pillows that still hold last night's perfume, i am not home. i have the rich girl disease today and i decide i am a princess. columns on houses whiter than their oil of olay face wash and french-tipped pedicures. its contagious, i decide- like conjunctivitis- getting it from the bed and embroidered terry cloth towels in the bathrooms.
newspapers telling you how to dress and ripped jeans are a sign of abandonement. and when you park your BMW dont be afraid to move it because we all drive to impress others.
trellised gardens, topiaries in the shape of crosses, and gazebos i nickname gazebras. smoked salmon and strawberry lunches...i am full.
and i return to the heartland, half surprised i can still survive, half impressed i am to be grateful. because sometimes i want three-hundred dollar shoes, well-exfoliated skin, and a spray-on tan.
sometimes i wish someone would clean my bathroom and feed me chocolate dipped fruit.

the poison

2006-04-27T03:53:21Z

im trying. i really i am. in the last 6 days i only took one day to sip some of that earthy bold red wine. that red wine that i crave on my lips each night because, yes, im an addict. yes, im an alcoholic. i cant believe im even writing it on here. i guess im partly doing it because i really want a drink right now and the only thing stopping me is the fact that im typing and cant get up to get a drink,. of course i could stop typing, get up, make myself a drink. i could also go out for Fela's birthday with everyone and have a drink, probably several. and maybe id really have fun. do a little dancing...be a little gay...but im also kinda sick. i have a sore throat that itches and coughs and until i took 2 tylenol, had a splitting headache. actually, ive had a headache everyday for almost a weeek. and i dont know if its related to not drinking. is it really withdrawl? i mean, i dont even drink that much when i do drink. and when i start to talk to anyone about my problem...they usually say something like, "but you dont drink that much..." and really, i dont...at least not compared to the amount of drinking most antioch students do. but its not the amount...its what i feel when i do or dont drink. its this inner drive i have to drink. to feel compelled to take it, never leave it, finish it, always leave a cup dry. its like my mouth is always on fire and needs a drink to put out the flames.
the only problem is the foresight i have to look ahead at the opportunities i will have to drink, and the seemingly impossible response to just say no.
i have to avoid it...create distractions, aversions...when usually the distraction is the poison itself.
the poison...i fucking love it, or i love to hate it. and now that im admitting it, admiting my problem...i feel this great paranoia that everyone is trying to help me avoid it. people are making a conscious effort to keep it from me. offering tea. hiding it. i dont know. it makes me want it more. i dont want tea. i dont want juice. i want that poison that i know hurts me. kills me. drowns me. eats me.
im sick.
i made a "bum me a poem" piece today. a cigarette pack that offers scrolled poetry instead of nicotine...my next deadly habit. im going to give that one up too.
damn, fuck my 21st birthday. 2 weeks until there are no restraints.

passing

2006-04-14T06:29:54Z

I had lice every year of my childhood. fine-toothed combs and trash bagged dolls. The Haggadah came to life and yet I was free. I was free with my white skin to move in and out...back and forth...up and down. I never suffered, I never died. My grandmother always told me to keep climbing. never stop. don’t look back. but always carry the weight of those who did and those who will, and so she said: pass over me and reach beyond these words and fill a hole that was never dug and lace your own boots and load your own gun and say a prayer for every day you are born again and build strength to construct bridges and plant seeds for new growth and wash your hands of hell because there is no hell and the only hell you’ll know is a plague and that plague is within you.

where are my nosebleeds and why my bleeding nose?

2006-04-11T05:40:57Z

is it somewhere between yiddish and english that i've lost my grandmother? have i lost her because she hasn't called or because i haven't called her? am i fooling myself into thinking i could pretend she doesn't exist...or does she only exist when i want her to... and now, now that shes sick.
im so tired of reading about cancer, breastmilk contamination, endometriosis, ovarian cancer, asthma, and lymphoma...why the fuck am i reading and theorizing about it when its happening to my family? how come i cant write a 25 page research paper on antiracism but i can talk and try to live it everyday? how come i cant sleep at night from all the anxiety thats come over me? the hype the hysteria the frenzy

i cried on and off all day saturday. i looked like a fuckin stoner at the end of the day and still made my way to genderfuck feeling like a trainwreck. i got a nosebleed and left. i never get nosebleeds.

i dont cry about these thigns. they arent that bad. my llife isnt that hard. im extremely lucky.
im oversimplifying this.

i need to get out

mariel has been writing me. she misses me. she says she still loves me.

my grampa used to call me cacaputs. it means little shit maker. i miss him terribly.

the palette of my plate

2006-04-07T00:12:59Z

on writing a prose poem...

i feel like im letting tiny particles of dust escape from my mouth.
little by little it begins to thrust itself up toward the roof of my mouth, the palette of my plate: the prose of my poem. it tickles my teeth and coughing is an explosion of leftover rumors and rooms of mirrors. im a fossil of collected olds and ends. the rust of one hundred year old copper. im green with the imperfection of my profession.

did someone say alliteration?

goddamn livejournal feels like a lie.

dropping classes, dropping glasses

2006-04-03T04:55:28Z

im taking a break.
everyone says not to drop the class. they tell me its not worth it. that i feel so much better when im done and less like ive been defeated...which is something i already feel. defeated
similar to the feeling i have about getting out of shape, what happened to my muscles?!?! similar to the feeling of not being able to quit smoking.
im so frustrated. earlier i couldnt even sit down. actually, now that i think of it, i dont remember sitting down at all today. yet somehow i still didnt move.
worked with frank today. he almost made me cry. but for good reasons this time. he was so cute picking up sticks in the yard. he allowed me to take pictures of him while he seemed to drift off into some sort of nostalgic state. oh reminiscing can be so much fun.
ahhh...i have the strangest cramp in my right leg, inner thigh.

ahh...today i kept dropping things... (well in the last few days now, i have noticed it...2 broken glasses!) in the photo house i dropped my film which was in a light safe container and it opened and got exposed....2 fuckin rolls down the drain.
i also lost my car key today 3 times. it was always in the most obvious place when i found it.
ohhhh!! the hip-hop conference was great. it helped me with my paper interestingly enough.
damn, D and B are sleeping together over at the place wheer D is housesitting. they invited me. am i malicious to think they KNEW i cuoldnt go? especially after looking like a zombie at dinner, whining about how much work i have to do..,they must have known. well..iguess the idea is outta sight, outta mind.
but maybe im a outta my mind right now. actually i might be.
i dont feel like i can relate to too many people right now. but i miss my friends!
well.. back to the fight. ....

just drink my wine...

2006-03-31T05:32:43Z

distraction... it can be pleasantly satisfying.
(sigh)
what a rough day. the worst part is i dont even know if the tears i cried were worth the ruddy complexion they gave me. well, im not really that shallow... i sincerely didnt know if i should have been crying. for all the hell this term has been, i hadn't (until today) felt so compelely helpless. I spent all day whining and moping around...
then angry at myself for being so self-loathing.
fuck colette. and fuck environmental studies. and fuck ecofeminism.
now i dont know whether or not to drop the class or continue to put up with her shit.

but otherwise, some things were cleared up between me and B...D still hasnt talked to me yet. just drinks my wine.

i havent had fun in a long while. Someone (fuck, i hate being so vague about names and people and thngs...sometimes it seems so silly) that someone, was Fela... (i guess if im not talking shit/processing about the person, its ok to name them...well, except for Colette, i feel ok about putting her name here)... so Fela, was so sweet and came to find me hiding up in the ASC and we made plans to see India's play on saturday. sometimes i forget about good people...that they actually exist here... and Elliot too, he and i made plans to drink wine and be silly. i need that...i forget how to be silly. how to not take things so seriously. i need to take care of the people i have in my life. micah has been so good to me. ive just begun to realize how important the friends i have are. i dont really need much more....

thank you!!!

agnostic fuck poetry

2006-03-29T04:41:10Z

enjoy the silence
i say to myself
i tell myself to think, or not to think. it might be better not to think.
i am stuck on my antiracist ecofeminist research paper. i am fucked stuck. stuck and im fucked.
the professor, Colette, deleted my post to the class online forum. she deleted it because i called her out for tokenizing authors (or perceived authors) of color. i wrote "fuck this discussion question!" in the subject but then proceeded to write a very long, and what i thought was an articulate summary of how i felt about our class discussions (or rather lack of) surrounding race and racism, and even antiracism.
she deleted my post and sent me an email telling me to come to her office immediately. i cant meet with her until thursday. meanwhile i have to have class with her tomorrow night. i forwarded my deleted post to the other students in the class. i think im fighting her, and now everyone knows it. she makes me so anxious, shes very smart and could probably argue me out of her office crying. i dont know what to do. i might talk to someone in the ASC. i might go to our office of multicultural affairs, whoops..i forgot we dont have one! this place.... sigh.
i wrote this poem this morning (surprisingly):

i write agnostic fuck poems
for the intangible poetry of love
for taste and smell and sight and sound
for not knowing how to know
or why to care
when poetry becomes a weakness
i write it for you
i know addiction and it's you
and so far, i know boundaries, and they are you
and if you was me and my was yours
id know poetry so fast you COULD feel it
to give meaning where there was none
to ask questions when there are no answers
to mislead-on purpose
and to realize poetry is god
it feels like memory loss
eats like dry toast
sings like a faucet drip
aches like broken homes
and writes like love

ta da... back to the bat cave...

high alphabet and truth in mirrors

2006-03-28T15:44:52Z

i had energy yesterday.
by the end of the day i was so hyper i began listing off things i loved. "i love this bathroom, and the shower...its perfect!" "I love this coffee mug, it fits so well in my hand." "i love you D, B, L."
D and I made a giant fire in the backyard. we burned things. we burned to let go of suffering and sadness. wow. it felt good. we drank wine. we drank a lot of wine. it began to rain, but we stayed outside clinging to each other. B joined us.
the rain inventually prompted us to have a dance party. i couldnt say no and decided to skip my first class the next day so that i could get some work done in the morning (what im actually supposed to be doing right now...i have so much work to do...i dont have time for this!!!)
we danced. we drank. we danced. all threee of us. together. but i had a feeling something else was going on. i backed off D & B. D handed me the bottle of wine...following B to the kitchen... i stayed away. and in the mirror i saw what i hadnt wanted to see.
and its weird cus i shouldnt be upset... i went outside to smoke and told myself over and over that i shouldnt care. but i went to my room... and shut the door. i began to write..trying to cover up the sounds of their mysterious laughter. i was the third again... i was the unwanted...the one left over. oh! i wanted to run out of my room and out the door and down the street and lay on the asphalt and bang my fists into it.

instead i fell hard asleep.

i cant tell if yesterday i was just manic or i genuinely felt an overwhelming sense of joy. or maybe it was because i hadnt felt it in such a long time...it felt out of the ordinary. i had an idea to begin to patch up broken relationships ive had/have with different people. i had a great conversation with one person who i had had a falling out with, who agreed that taking responsibility is key to good relationships (friendships included) and said that i should have initiated that conversation months ago when it was really necessary. but also its never too late to begin to talk about it. and we also agreed if someone wasnt willing to step up and take responsibility for something, then there's nothing you can do about it...and no use worrying about it.

oh shit its going to be awkward with D & B living together with me and L in the house.

for a second last nite i thought i might have to move out. but that would just be silly, and an obvious attempt at running away from my problems. but at the same time, theres no need to sit and watch the bridges that im burning...i dont need to sit and sulk and be cranky about my problems. suffering comes from attachment...so i just need to let go..
i think im starting to be able to do that with some things... letting go....

oh my! i forgot...last nite i had a dream where a girl i dated last year, J, was trying to seduce me, and we were drinking coffee with olive oil...then i was on a bus with another person i dated, A, and we were laughing at all the antioch people we could see as we passed them on the bus. one antioch person in particular was on the bus, i hadnt noticed them at first and might have offended them... they left...i laughed.
the dream scares me. but it sets me off to remember what i need to do.. LET GO! and keep the shit talking to myself.
so far so good.
i smell like fire. its wonderful.

apoptosis and me

2006-03-21T07:43:11Z

im hungry but i cant eat....
tonight began really well...had a good talk with daisy and a sorry-for-me critique of the sick-pity mix cd i made for the girl...(i wish i hadnt given it to her) then i headed to the photo house for a good ol' sniff of some toxic chemicals in a dark room. i made some amazing prints. more to come... i hope.
then it all went to shit...just as soon as i forgot about the whole situation...iit came barreling at me like some kind of atom bomb, some kind of apoptositic (not apocalyptic, not a typo, meant something along the lines of self-exploding)parasite.. hemorahging wounds that do not stop bleeding... even when you take good care of them.
i met with some people who released more unwanted information. people who innocently are involoved in what seems like the drama scandal of the term. if i had only known to what extent this involved various people, places, times, and most of all...the friendships. eerrr. the whole thing makes me very bitter. sick. enuff to make me want to run "sorry!!" and sit in a shower stall in a dorm...leaving them to their misery so that i may find my own.
i dont think person K wanted to hurt me when they released this information. i think they were hurting themselves. i think we are all hurting, and in the end, hurting each other. we aren't taking care of each other.... or ourselves. we have become static creatures of habit, of bad habit, who consume ourselves with voyeuristic tendencies turned exhibitionism. we have become the drama we spoke so negatively about. we are the victims of our own assault. AND FUCK IF I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT!
this is a toxic place. i just hope each and every person figures out how to help themselves. ruining friendships over sex, over self-induced drama addictions is disgusting. i will resist it.

public knowledge and public enemies

2006-03-20T21:54:22Z

i feel like im using her weapon...writing here in this self-deprecating, narcississtic PUBLIC forum. afterall, she was the one who introduced me it.
and it all feels so ironic. writing, she says isnt a responsible way of communicating, i guess shes right, especially when it becomes public knowledge.
irony. fuck. it plays out in the funniest of ways. when we first started "dating" i was afraid she was way too into me. i was scared she'd want me to become the codependent friend/lover as others have been for her. all her notes and flowers were sweet...but i couldnt help but think, "wow, i think she really likes me." which now serves as her opinion of me. she assumes i thought this was all too complicated, i invested way more energy into than she did, i cared more than she, i wanted, needed more than she. now that only seems the case. irony---> its not true. i thought i was less invested in this than she was. i was afraid it would get to be the end of the term, and id have to say "well, that was fun...umm...lets be friends!"
and part of me feels like being mean. hurting her. making her feel bad. i want to isolate her as she did me... shes the only one with problems...shes the one who made it all the more complicated than it had to be. ... she created the illusion of a healthy relationship and as long as she kept telling herself that, it was healthy. it was what she wanted as long as she didnt have to think about it. instead, think about the self-obsessed folks on this campus who feed off the fact that everyone is involved or talks about their drama. then, whoops! she becomes a part of that drama ....
i have no interest in a relationship right now. if it had been up to me (getting what i wanted without have to go through a process to get to it) i would have just had sex with her a few times..relished in how fun that was...and gotten on with ourselves.
but since we were friends first... and maybe cared a little too much about what each other thought...were a little selfffffffffff-conscious... we had to go through a long and grueling process of being "a ltitle more than friedns{" so that she could figure out that she shouldnt date people right now ...whooops! i mean she shouldnt date meeee...because i suppose im too much drama? i want too much? if she had fuckin talked to me she wuld hve known that i didnt want anyhting... and if anything, i would have said, "i would like to have sex with you." but she can detatch herself from other people and fuck them without going through that long and grueling process .
im so angry with her right now. and all this writing isnt helping, exvept that in the baclk of my mind, i think maybe she might rread it. right now i cant even forsee us being friends. i cant see us organizing together. i cant even see myself sitting in Comcil with her this term. i dont trust her on so many levels. even what she has done to hurt others makes me upset. maybe she should try being alone. try replacing the drama with herself.
i feel like i might do something destructive. im so glad im going home. i regret giving her that mix cd. it was back a day ago when i thought i wanted to be friends.
i might be let down by her, but i have way too many reasons to be happy. right?

you receive the love you think you deserve

2006-03-19T02:23:19Z

i made her a mix cd
mostly sad music...
i was angry before and now ive lost that...mostly just feel sad.
during the last week i feel like ive lost a really good friend even though ive picked up some new ones. ive been looking for support all over and everyone seems to have the same advice: "you need to talk to her" ...and i say: "i want to, i just dont know how"
and then i avoid talking to her by talking to more people. the same topics come up for me: love, life, and relationships. what makes up a relationship? what do i want out of a relationship -that includes friends, family, and "lovers"-
this sounds so corny but really i just want people around me who respect me as i respect them and i guess that fits into the catch 22:
you receive the love you think you deserve
and i remember in the 3rd grade, our class came up with a "class motto" and it was: treat others the way you would like to be treated. and i remember thinking how easy that sounded, as if i already had begun to practice it. and the truth is, i havent. and i havent learned the ways in which i would like to be treated, and more, i havent learned the reasons why i deserve to be treated, treated well...treated with compassion, respect, love, and honesty. so how can i possibly treat others that way? eerrr... you gotta value yurself before you value others, no? but what about valueing others so that they may value you?
i really think i need stronger glasses...the screen here before my eyes seeems to be getting darker and condensed...the words smaller and farther away. it seems poetically symbolic, me-my emotions-my thoughts-feelings...they drift further the more i reach for them.
and even at my silent lunch with my ASL professor and some other deaf folks... i was far far, so far away. i could barely sign, not really engaged at all. sick to my stomach from the Golden Corral all-you-can-eat menu.
i should get dressed.
i should go swimming.
i should work on my paper. my photo book. some poetry or something better.
the cheese is ooozing from this goddamn post. im as corny as ive ever been.

dead or alive?

2006-03-17T08:52:56Z

so things are hard when you dont know how or why you are upset...and more, you are upset at yourself for being upset. i cy all the time about how i shouldnt cry...and "why the fuck am i crying? my life isnt that bad!!"
and tonight i saw a picture of me and some others up in Greene hall in North and Kelsey was there, and we were painting each others bodies and running around in our underwear. and at 6 in the morning we played spin-the-bottle...and i left to go masturbate in my room because i was so turned on. i rememeber i was covered in paint and stuck every pair of earrings in my possession in my ears. i looked a little crazy..we all did. bbut i began to cry when i saw the picture. it was so innocent and kelsey was so alive...but at the same time, she wasnt really there. .....
sometimes when i read [anything] i wonder "is it dead or is it alive?" and sometimes i think that translates into life..."am i dead or alive?" ..."are they dead or alive?" and right now i feel somewhere inbetween....
i walked around a lot tonight...with headphones i borrowed from my housemate and listened to both, uplifting and depressing music. my legs left me at some point. earlier i danced in the street...using the streetlamps to guide me... otherwise i had my eyes closed and forgot that i was actually walking. im a little bit spacey right now.
i have to work with frank in the morning and im nervous.
im going to home (DC) next week, surprising my family....and im excited about that.
im not really excited about tooo much else.
i want things with the girl to be resolved...the ambiguity makes me nervous. and livejournal isnt the appropriate place to process about it. at least, it hasnt helped me. reading other peoples lj posts make me feel like shit. and if im not intereseted in gossiping, spreading hear-say, and talking shit about my friends, than i guess im not a butch (i mean, i knew i never was, never will be). i need to talk to her and stop processing with other peoplee and things.

oppress

2006-03-15T15:03:33Z

oppressive is the keyword of the week.
i feel like ive been assaulted in every direction. ive just received 2 huge bills... one for 950 dollars that came as a result of me being too nice. another is a goddamn hospital bill.
my paper on oppression is oppressive. every time i sit to think about it, i realize that ive been thinking about it every where else besides the times i have to sit and formulate it into a goddamn paper.
i want to cry. but i dont have time to cry. i have to threaten to sue a woman tomorrow.
i stubbed my toe and i cried like a little baby on the floor.

loathing loss and hemorrhaging

2006-03-13T20:49:59Z

as a way to procrastinate i write on this thing, pretending my fingers are glued to the keyboard so that i might not actually have to write my paper. my paper, which i just switched topics allowing myself 2 days to do research and write an outline which is practically a transript of the 25 page paper ill have to finish eventually, is going to kill me. but i have to do it. otherwise i can bet on spending an extra term at antioch, not graduating on time.
i do love the smell of my bleeding cunt. i love the iron-rich bloodlust that, as i sit here in type, am allowing to penetrate the seat, sousing my underwear and all.
i dont love knowing that i might have and might still be hurting the girl i have been dating. i had a long talk with her on a balcony, watching an incredible thunderstorm, which might have been a little too distracting. maybe it was also the fact that it was 4, 5, almost 6 in the morning...we were tired, possibly a little stoned, a little drunk.
i dont think she understood me. and i dont think i understood her. im sad because i feel like i lost her, like there is no going back and we cant make things good again. im scared it may have also ruined our friendship. i wanted to be close to her. i think i still do, and when i see her with other people, when i see her smile, i think "i want to be there with too!" i think im too selfish and i think she knows that.
i think there are many issues she and i have to discuss. and when i say discuss...i think we need to sit down, sober, not tired, not distracted by lightening and pie making... and seriously talk. i do so much thinking and processing with other people, i really need to do it with her. and maybe we'll decide that right now is not a good time to be dating. but maybe we will pick things up again. dance slowly and get to know each other more intimately. maybe will decide to just have sex. maybe will decide to just be friends. i have a feeling that a lot of what she needs right now, i do too. our boundaries are important, i just think they got lost for me somewhere along the way.
but maybe they're not lost for good.

more spasms in the back

2006-03-10T08:18:33Z

ok, so after rereading the last entry and after talking about my shit with some people, and when my tears dried up... i'll write some more. ...
mostly i realized that half of what scares me, makes me sad, and confused is the recurring themes that stem from my childhood and teenage years. All of a sudden today i felt like i had when i was fifteen and twelve and seven. and the scary part is i dont know if ill ever change. my housemate reminded me of my strengths. that is precisely the problem...i have strengths. im a fucking strong person. and i fucking hate myself for it. the irony is tireseome, and more than that, it is lonely.

how can i self obsess to the point where i criticize myself for being great? and how can i not do that? i sound like a fuckin ego centric fool... a lethargic bulemic prom queen. and i hate myself for knowing that.
and i cry for crying. today was one of the first days in a long while when i finally cried without feeling guilty for it. it also happened to be one of the first times i cried infront of people in a long time.

im insecure about feeling secure. someone even said it: "lauren, its amazing how you dont have to prove who you are by the way you look, by having short hair, by dressing a certain way...you're just comfortable with yourself in all situations."

so if the answer is, some will appreciate me and some wont and thats ok... why cant i feel thats ok?
and why do i feel all of a sudden thrown back into the ninth grade?
i shouldnt be feeling this. and i dont know what to do about it.

my lonely car accident back

2006-03-10T00:27:07Z

i woke up this morning and my entire body hurt.
my jaw has been popping and the entire right side of my body feels like the day after my car accident...when i did get hit by a school bus.
i dont know if its from sleeping in someone else's bed on a mattress made for one.
im listening to my housemate tell stories about elephants with infected tusks and wow, they live, on average, as long as humans.

i have so much information in my head. so many things to think about, and so many questions. yet, i dont feel like i have anyone to process with.
i feel really lonely. perhaps artificially im surrounded by my housemates, friends at antioch....but ...i dont feel it.

even the girl has friends, a group of people who are all close to each other, a clique if i may use that term. im just the girl's girl. no one needs to get to know me. ive got long hair and im tall...and i appear thin and fashionable...im imperfectly perfect. i almost the kid everyone (including myself) hated in high school. but Im not that kid!
and i wish someone would knock out a tooth or give me cancer or cut off a limb. im tearing. i hate my body.
i keep having thoughts and dreams where Im standing infront of a group of people and im crying and i can barely talk but i tell them that i love them and they need to appreciate each other and take care of themselves. and then i tell them that im dying. i have to leave.

i get so anxious at antioch and i think everyone hates me or is intimidated by me and im not sure ill ever survive if i leave here. no one wants to get close to me. either they know ill hurt them or im afraid they'll hurt me.
maybe it is just me. maybe i hide out on purpose. maybe im scared.

live chickens

2006-03-01T18:57:38Z

im stuck on handcuffs and ecofeminist manifestations of privilege.
yes i go to antioch college.
yes, i hate myself.
my eyes have been really sore lately and i think my eyesight has gotten progressively worse. my sex drive has dwindled, but picks back up in the oddest of times.
ive been trying to help my housemate get through a really rough break-up and now shes questioning her queer identity...goldstars are falling.
i bought a pair of handcuffs at the dollar store. i dont know why.
i dont want to work for the old man anymore, frank...it depresses me, and i cant even cook him good food. he said the chicken should have lived.
my photos have been looking really good, and im inspired all the time...i cant stop thinking in a box, about light, and my eyes.
i want to write more. i need to sleep more.

theres a burn on my face from someone's drunken rage and fuck god boredom.
im scared it will scar. it is obviously from a cigarette.

classes, besides photo and sign language, seem pointless.

i need money from the ex to fix my car. she owes me so much. i wish i didnt have to resent her. maybe her guilty german catholic self will prompt her to pay me.

i just want to cry a lot and make art. not to sound like a self-obsessed asshole. i just need it. and i dont really hate myself.

?

to be happy

2006-02-24T07:14:05Z

so now its time for bed, or so my eyes tell me...
they tell me too, that ohio isnt so plain and flat afterall
sometimes good things happen to bad people

and my eyes also tell me that there is no use losing sleep over some fuckin institution that wouldnt save me from anything,,,so why bother saving it? or at least... why bother saving it, if its not fun?
i went to a little discussion on racism the other day and the woman leading it had the most amazing things to say. i think i want to base my life on her words. not really, but something close. she said that you have to have fun no matter what you find yourself doing. really, you have to find a way to be happy no matter what. if something doesnt make you happy, dont do it. she also said, and ive heard this before, everyone can do whatever they want to do, as long as you set out to do it. i think i really believe this. i just dont know if i can live it.

errr...
i am now set on sleep...i think i can follow through with that.

pseudo poems and exacerbated masturbation

2006-02-21T01:47:33Z

this would be my first entry among many-a-none future entries that might or might not help me to get my thoughts out of my head.
id like to say this is my no-book...like a poem i wrote to a friend:

a pseudo poem from a girl who cant
write a love poem
write a sonnet
write a poem
not a lyrical rhyme
because all poems are fuck poems
and fuck if i cant write worth
its not
its my thing
and rhythm is a word i just learned to spell
i write it all down before the memory escapes
before all good things die
are born
when you sleep at night
when you wake in the morning
look out curtainless windows and see the nightshades
of gorilla purple
gas station glow
nasty natty truck me nots
and cheap, dirt cheap poetry
its all... its all... its all its about
yur note book
my no book
and yur lungs breathe deep
trombone that desperate desperate moannnnnn
me away and ash-coat the soles or soul of my feet
cus its poetry
a fuck poem
a fuck that and all that rhymes poem
because rhythm is sumthing i havent acquired
something i just learned to spell

Because I read somewhere in Nausea by jean-paul sartre (SP?..who cares?!?)
that writing and keeping a journal is dangerous,
it can be an excuse to make the ordinary extraordinary or the frivolous more dramatic then it needs to be. you tend to make things up as a way to calm your imagination...or soothe your soul.. we all need drama and excitement...and so it comes so easily when you're writing it. even if it really happened.
so, then there's this whole online phenomena...its a trend...a tool of our pop culture sadism. and yea, im on the wagon (or off of it) and i think i might try and exaggerate and exacerbate and masturbate my humble little life/ which, by the way, someone told me recently is VERY interesting. i wouldnt go as far to say that...i think everyone's life is interesting...and we ALL have a story to tell.
speaking of stories, im procrastinating, and right now i should be writing a little non-fiction piece for my creative writing clas about how i caught the most popular girl in school masturbating in our 7th grade english class.
hummm... im also distracted by my housemate who has her girlfriend in town visiting and they are very cute together... almost too cute. im just distracted because i think "do i want that? do i want to have something like that?"
and im listening to Patty LoveLESS and i think shit, "love-less" thats what i should do?!?! and now im thinking that it would be clever to make my livejournal account into a non-fiction piece for my creative writing class.
shit, i also have to go make some pictures.
and fuck rugby was fun. ooo im all over the place.....

now, that wasn;t so bad